I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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