i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
