Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
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