I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
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