I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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