so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
