Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I think I sprained my soul last night
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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