Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
