I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
