So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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