my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Randomize
