you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
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