Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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