i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
