I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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