Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Randomize
