I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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