I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
