oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
