My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Randomize
