I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
