i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
