it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
