i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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