Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
