So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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