i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
