i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
