There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
