shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Randomize
