I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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