my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
