i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
