If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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