We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
