Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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