I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
