I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
