He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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