I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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