Will you blow on my dice?
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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