i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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