It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
