We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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