That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
