I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
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Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
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Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
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