If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
