god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Ketchup is God's man juice
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
