My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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