last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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