Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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