She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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