The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
