DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
