I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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