he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
