Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.