just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Randomize
