ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Randomize
