I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
