Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
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She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
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And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
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