mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
