You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
